Family Issues: Tips and Advice: Helping a Friend through Divorce
by Shawnee Bowlin
FeedTheVillage.com - Tips and Advice: Helping a Friend through Divorce
Throughout the course of my marriage, I have seen several couples who seemed just perfect for each other reach the point of divorce. Helping these friends through their emotional roller coasters helped me develop some much-needed experience and a better perspective. I made mistakes right along with them and hope to have learned from those mistakes so that I will refrain from repeating them should I ever find myself faced with divorce. It's easy to get so caught up in the emotions of a grieving or angry friend that we decide to take sides. One important thing to remember is that we are hearing one side of the story. There is another side. It is not our place to decide who is right or wrong. It is our place to provide whatever support we are able while maintaining an objective and fair viewpoint. What makes divorce even harder and makes it easier to take sides is when children are involved. Many times a friend, out of loyalty and an instinct to soothe, will automatically make one of the involved spouses the bad guy simply because of their children who are usually the ones who suffer the most. One other item of importance is that to truly help a friend is to teach that friend to help themselves. Solving the problems for them is not guiding them toward independence from their spouse. This friend needs to learn to become stronger and more resourceful on their own. What if it may be possible for this couple to once again become friends even after the divorce? From the viewpoint of the helper, I would certainly not want to become the bad guy because I tried too hard to be the supportive friend. If getting them back together means losing them both, is it worth it? The friend of the divorcing couple must look at the possible consequences of the actions he or she is considering. Helping a friend through divorce requires maintaining a proper perspective, empathy, compassion, a certain distance from the situation emotionally, and inner strength. Sometimes all that is required or that is possible is to be a good listener. If you must feel more involved, perhaps it would be best to join in the search for the proper help. It is better to not become part of the problem, which would defeat the purpose. So, tread carefully. Doing something because you mean well can sometimes do more harm than good. Remember the goal, which is to "help". If it seems as though anything you could do is wrong, think it through thoroughly or just be there for moral support.
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